


Lapping at the Flames

by Melladosia



Series: Rewrite the Flames [2]
Category: The Greatest Showman (2017) RPF
Genre: Closeted Character, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self-Acceptance, Self-Sacrifice, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 02:29:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14684553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melladosia/pseuds/Melladosia
Summary: Phillip is tired of the unresolved tension between him and Phineas, and decides he needs a way out.





	Lapping at the Flames

Phillip walked down the streets of this old, forgotten town brought alive by the Barnum Circus nearly every day. He memorized each crack and fault in the paved pathways, as one with nothing more significant to do may decide to play. It was a game of sorts, one he was destined to play alone and out of pure boredom and a lack of anything else to do. Well… that was untrue. He had something in which he could be following through with right now, in his own hands, but the very sight of it made him sick. Indecisiveness had always been his forte.

_ What if I regret this?  _ It being late afternoon, he’d asked Lettie to deliver news of his temporary absence to Barnum that he was sending out a letter and would return soon, as whenever any of his recruits, underpaid closeted business partner or not, were to require an absence from practice he wished to know.  

“Hey, Lettie.” Phillip had approached the woman with a friendly tone, in potential debt to her due to this great favor. Lettie turned to face him, her hair blowing slightly with the wind of a forest green sequined fan that she used to air herself. “I’ve got something-uh. Really dire that needs addressed, will you tell Barnum I’ll be gone for a moment?” He turned on his heel, ready to leave. He needed out of this building. Away from everything. Out, out, out. His past and forsaken identity followed him, holding his hand, staring at him through pained angelic hazel eyes and a flushed face. He tried to outrun it like a child might attempt to escape their shadow.  Always failing.

She seemed confused. “Well, you know I’d be willing- but he’s just in the other room. That would probably be quicker, and you know how Barnum is about sudden disappearances. Now, Car-” but Phillip was already out the door before she could finish her sentence. 

Out, out, out. Maybe he could escape it this time. 

He just had to run fast enough...

And now, far away from the building of the greatest show on earth, he glanced down feverishly at the letter in his hand. He was so sure this was the right thing to do. It was the  _ only _ thing to do. Phillip was fresh out of options, and this one seemed to be the one with the most benefits. His heart ached from running so much, but perhaps settling down somewhere would allow him to move on more easily. To get help for the unholy mindset he lived under. His shadow would stop looking at him with begging eyes that pleaded with him to listen, release the grasp on his hand and abandoning him to go haunt someone else.

Was he likely to succeed? He was not so sure. 

But he’d try anyway, because that seemed to be the only thing left for him. He imagined what he’d left behind. What he was  _ leaving _ behind. But the latter was overpowered when he remembered every day in Barnum’s presence, feeling his gaze on him and the unsolved tension that refused to fade. And yet, emotion still underlying beneath both of their cracked smiles, in the glint of Phineas’ eye, in the way he still gazed at Phillip as he passed by and they made eye contact.

“Phillip, to my office.” Barnum had ordered one late afternoon of last week. A slight layer of distress lay like a heavy blanket over his features, shadowing his happiness and his beauty at living in the world, at having a place and making a difference. Phineas seemed to change- to have a shift of character. Phillip was worried. He tried to set his feelings aside, and absolutely refused to remember that night where the brunette’s lips had brushed against his with tamed desire. Holding back. He would  **not** recall the nights that Phineas Taylor Barnum had made him forget how to speak, the nights of blushing and careless hidden hints of flirtations behind every sentence and irresistible smile. Their conversations were simply unforgivable sparks of love and fondness playing hide and seek with each other. Every time Phillip saw his partner like that it almost made everything worth it. The urge returned like a lost lover, arriving with a welcoming smile every time that drawed him in and tempted him. And urges he felt. All the time. Did he feel them now? Admittedly so, his subconscious wanted to scream. But inwardly he begged to have attraction to women. He wished that he could live up to the expectations of his parents, who wanted grandchildren and a nice poster child. He could never give it to them.

“Coming.” Phillip huffed, distracted, and hopped his way up the stairs to his partner’s office. He entered the room and found it chaotically disorganized, papers lying scattered across the floor and on chairs. The light above them flickered, and Phillip groaned at the thought of having to replace yet another bulb. Phineas stood behind his desk, inspecting a paper before tossing it to the side to join its friends on the ground.

Phillip frowned. “Phineas-”

“We have an important subject to discuss, and unfortunately such a small time frame that I’m not quite sure what would be worked out from this conversation anyway. I want to go on tour with Jenny Lind. And, as a financial partner- I was wondering if you could punch some numbers through for me, the orchestra, her cut of the show and other services are all listed here. With considerable losses we’ve faced recently, I believe this would pull us from the shadows as a circus. Spread the word through me. And, it’s more profit.” He said his words in a fashion that was more like a statement rather than a proposition put up for debate. He stared at Phillip for a moment as the room was consumed by silence like a house engulfed in a flood. Phillip stared at the ground, thoughts running through his head tirelessly, and for once it was hard to focus on the man in front of him.  _ I can’t handle the circus on my own.  _ Phillip imagined the wonderful chaos of the performers and the animals in harmony throughout practices, whenever there was anything going wrong or falling short Phineas knew what advice to give to put more pep into the step of dances, and to leave audiences in more and more awe after every minute. His charm lit up the show. Phillip was nothing compared to the man known around the world just for his charismatic nature and kind eyes that seemed to draw one in.

Busy controlling his panic at the sudden responsibility, he found himself falling flat of forming any words. He was truly unsure of what to say, and every response lacked the conclusion he wanted it to have. 

“You remember Jenny Lind?” Phineas pressed on, misinterpreting Phillip’s silence as a lack of understanding. In a way, it was. But not like he thought. Of course he remembered their greeting with the most famous opera singer in Europe. She was a charming lady, and spoke with a certain pleasantness which contrasted strangely with the words she spoke of Phineas, labeling him a conman and a fraud. Somehow, his partner had smiled through it all. Phillip knew that Phineas faced abusive terminologies in the papers, in the crowds that never ceased to surround the building and shout vulgar things at the performers all the time. It was Barnum’s life, and it had been ever since he was little, faced with the hardships of a poor orphan. Nobody had stood up for him then, but that could change now as Phineas matured and lacked the weakness of youth to fight back. But Phineas seemed strangely impartial to the criticism. Phillip wanted to step in and defend him, surprised at the words she chose to define a stranger. What vile words disguised with such a pleasant accent. Of course he remembered Jenny Lind. He could only wish for the fortune of forgetting her.

He frowned, slightly offended. “I-yes. But you’re just... leaving? You’re  _ leaving?  _ How will I-”

“You should fare well, Phillip.” Phineas’ interrupted, eyes thickening in depth with betrayal and anguish. “You know a thing or two about leaving.” Silence. He kept his eyes on Phillip for a moment longer, then seemed to force himself to turn away. He made a noise low in his throat as he collected some papers and went to leave. Phillip stood abruptly, eyes flashing with anger and hurt as he grabbed Phineas’ wrist roughly, glaring into equally cold and pained eyes.

“That’s not fucking fair, Phin. You don’t get to say that just because I don’t want to be with you.” He lied straight through clenched teeth, as if his urges could disappear right along with his patience. But Phineas seemed worthy of a challenge, yanking his wrist free and causing Phillip to flinch harshly. “You never stop lying to yourself, Carlyle. Never. You  _ know  _ that is a lie! You stood there and admitted it to me. And even then, you still wouldn’t take a risk. Still too scared to face who you are.” With every word, Barnum’s eyes flashed with anger and slowly drove him backwards after every syllable. He struck harsh, unfaced truths and he knew it. 

They were up against the wall now.

“I-I have nothing to face.” He said in a nearly inaudible tone. And then, “You have a death wish, Phineas Barnum.”

Barnum stared at him for a second. He sighed deeply, briefly glancing away before returning his cold, yet…underneath, understanding eyes. 

“Maybe I do. But some things are worth dying for." His eyes sunk with anguish after murmuring this particular sentence. You wonder why you’re unhappy. You search for answers far longer than needed. When you get the chance to be who you are, to be with who you love, you choose to return to your endless circle of unhappiness. You remain locked in the past, with your forgotten identities, and they stick to you like burrs. You take no risks so naturally, you gain nothing. Phillip… my dear. I could protect you from this world around us. You can do it. Take a risk.” His voice was tired and pleading.

Phillip felt weak, and he cowered against the wall. The anger became so overwhelming that it robbed him of strength, the hurt and the  _ want  _ and the fear all mixed together to create a certain familiar numbness in him, and a tear slipped down his cheek, followed by another, and another- the infamous concoction of Phillip Carlyle. The man in front of him could give him everything. He didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve happiness. To take risks. Anything. Not to mention the unforgiving world around them and the consequences of love between two men. It installed a significant fear in Phillip that festered and multiplied constantly.

He raised a hand, desperate to pull Phineas close to him with his understanding words and ever-softening gaze. He wanted Phineas’ irresistible smile. His charms. His crazy antics and ideas. His soft curly hair that looked perfect for tangling your fingers in. He wanted to see Phineas smile again as he walked into the room in the beautiful red coat with gold buttons- this time with one of his own. He wanted everything, everything, everything. He was scared. 

Perhaps fear would kill everyone before assumptions did.

“I can’t.”

He lowered his hand. Phineas backed away, a look of deep-rooted disappointment in his hazel eyes. He closed them for a moment, then swiftly strided to the door after retrieving a small stack of letters and a document. However, instead of leaving, he hesitated to say one last thing.

“I don’t know what worlds you’ve conjured in your head, but I do understand the clouds of fear you walk under every day. I don’t know if you’ve realized, but we are in the same boat stranded in the same ocean. And whether our boat sinks and we are destined to face peril, or we are rescued- the truth will always remain the same. I will always love you, Phil. And I will wait.” And he was gone.

Now, in the present day, Phillip looked back at that afternoon and then down at the letter in his hands and decided he was safest this way. He dropped it off, and started the walk back to the circus.

 *****

 

Phillip stared at the familiar sight in front of him, taking in his childhood youth, his adolescence and sweet maturity. His home. It was strange disappearing from the place you were raised just to return- yet, Phillip made mistakes. Everyone did. He’d stay with his parents, marry a girl and return to the business he belonged to. His resignation as Barnum’s partner was in his pocket- he hadn’t yet turned it in. He would after settling in. Finally. 

After waiting a while longer, staring at the door, he waited to feel relieved when his parents opened it with welcoming faces. But he felt empty. Empty as his mother kissed his cheek and beamed at him, and even emptier when his father appeared resigned and unforgiving as the two shook hands. It was as if he was slowly being drained of everything he thought he was entitled to feel. Surely this was the right thing to do. After all, Phillip had betrayed his parents and ruined the family name when he associated himself with the circus. He had to make it up to them. Maybe then he’d feel better, a fuller sense of completion. Was his mission always going to be to please his parents? Was that the only way to happiness?

“Welcome home, son.” His father said in a low, gruff voice with a slight nod. It appeared Phillip wasn’t the only one stuck in the past, as undetectable emotions flashed in the elder’s eyes at the sight of him. One of them was clearly disappointment. His mother rested her arm against his. She, on the other hand, looked unaffected. “I knew you’d come back to where you belong.” She smiled. “It’s so good to have you back. Everyone’s been asking about you! You’ll have to tell them all that-”

But as she was speaking, a loud siren sounded from nearby, and a moment later a firetruck zoomed past, looking like a blurred whir of color rather than an object. Phillip paid little mind to it, but as several men raced behind it, throwing their arms up in alarm, they shouted, “It’s heading for the circus!” 

_ Phineas. _

Phillip didn’t know what happened next, but he could sort out the sound of his father saying his name repeatedly. “Come on. Let us go inside.” He motioned towards the wide open door, but suddenly it was the last place he wanted to be. He stood right where he was, gazing in horror down the street. His mother nudged him. “Phillip, let’s go.” Her eyes flashed with urgency, as if she were reading his mind. “We’ll get you inside, and then-”

He turned to them. “I’m sorry.” And then he was gone.

Phillip wasn’t much of a runner. He’d never liked track or anything along the lines of athletics, and preferred quietly reading to running around and wasting energy outside even as a young child. But here, in this moment, he didn’t think he’d ever run faster. His parents’ mansion was on the entirely opposite side of town as the Barnum Circus, but Phillip estimated he’d reached the flame-engulfed building in ten minutes. He erupted into the crowd of performers, ignoring his lack of breath and beginning to check that they were okay. He put a hand on Constantine’s shoulder, and the man nodded, motioning for him to check on the others. Lettie coughed violently as a response when Phillip got to her, having obviously inhaled a great amount of smoke. Other performers, like Anne and Charles, seemed perfectly healthy and were relatively calm, despite their horrified expressions.

“Here, here, is everyone here?” He shouted, gazing around the crowd of loose animals and damaged performers. But as he accounted for them…

“Where’s Phin?” He asked, beginning to panic. He frantically looked around for the man, hoping to spot his head of curls poking above the crowd.  _ He’s not here.  _ After a hurried last inspection, Phillip took one last look at the gathered performers and then shot away towards the burning building, hearing several exclamations of “ _ No!”  _ follow him into the only place he’d ever truly thought of as home. Somewhere in front of him, a beam crumbled into ash and a piece of roof caved in to feed the fire down below. Phillip dodged around it, ignoring the stinging, burning pain in his eyes and the lack of clear breaths he had the ability to draw in. That didn’t matter right now. Finding Phineas did.

“Phin!” He screamed, his lungs ready to collapse. Another beam fell ahead of him, and sparks shot up towards him along with a new burst of hot gray smoke. The world was beginning to close in on him. He kept stumbling along in search of the only man that ever truly cared about him- and Phineas was too foolish to realize it until it was perhaps too late. He decided to leave the main ring and head to a smaller room- his office came to mind, but it was upstairs. Any room. He’d go to any room if Phineas was there. He’d push and suffocate his way through, and he'd worry about the consequences later. Not that they mattered. “Barnum!” He kept going. He had to find him. Phineas had to live. If Phillip didn’t, then Phin had to.

The smoke rushed in. “Phineas.” he collapsed to his knees, coughing and inhaling violently.  _ Air. I need air. _

_ I am going to die. _

He reached out, using the last of his energy in an attempt to crawl. What if he never saw Phineas again? If the last time they spoke his partner had been devastatingly rejected once more?

_ I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I’m so sorry, Phineas.  _

The last thing that he remembered was a pair of hazel brown eyes boring into his and a sensation of being lifted before he passed out.

 

*****

When Phillip awoke, he didn’t recognize where he was. The walls around him were white and the air stank of sterilization and metal. He gripped at the bed in panic and was about to call out before Phineas appeared at his side, his face battered with bruises and and wet with what appeared to be tears. He stared at Phillip with a sense of relief in his eyes, and looked as if he wanted to come closer but held himself back.

“Oh my god.” Phillip inhaled sharply upon seeing him, utter relief filling his eyes as well. “You’re okay.” Phineas hesitantly approached, sitting on the side of the bed. Phillip was overwhelmed. He reached for Phin’s hand, grasping at his fingers and tangling them together. 

Phineas reddened but said nothing about it, tilting his head toward Phillip. He shook his head incredulously. “I can’t believe you would be willing to run in after me. Phil, the doctor said that you took in a lot of smoke. You could have died.” He seemed to wait for a shift in Phillip’s expression, but the other man just shrugged. Phillip sighed, then looked up and locked eyes with Phineas. “I took a risk.”

With that he brought his arm up to Phineas’ neck and stared at him with open, attentive eyes. Had this been another moment, or any other selection of days besides this, Phillip didn't think he'd have the strength to embrace his desires for the showman. He pulled him down, capturing their lips in an official kiss. Phineas was gentle, soft, and loving, carefully supporting Phillip’s neck as he reached up. Everything Phillip thought he would be. His want for the man above him had been an overwhelming shadow for so long that he refused to let Phineas go for some time other than for air. He didn’t care if a doctor saw. He couldn’t care less. Let them stare. Let them starve on their desire for revenge and punishment. He was doing nothing but what he knew was destined for him.

“I’m so sorry.” He whispered to Phin, flinching at a sudden pain. Phineas gazed at him with concern and rubbed a thumb along his jawline to distract him. “For what, Phil?” He said, leaning in to touch foreheads with him, dripping with care and love for the man below him. Phillip hissed as the fierceness of a burn seared through him, and he hazily recalled running into the fire in search of his partner. Phineas withdrew carefully. 

“For… for everything. I was a coward, and-” he flinched with pain once more, and opened his mouth to continue, but was shushed. He had so much to say. So much to make up for and apologize for. If only he didn’t ache with pain that served to constantly distract him.

“Shh, shh. Save your strength. It’s okay. Oh, Phil.” He went to wipe the newly formed wetness leaking from Phillip’s eyes, displaying his regret and emotion overwhelming him (not for the first time) with the sorriness of his eyes instead of the depth of his potential words that he ached to speak. Tiredness begged to pull him under.

“You should probably get some rest.” Phillip reached up quickly and grasped his wrist as Phineas went to stand, shaking his head in panic.

“No, no.. stay. Please.” He begged, snaking his hand up and entangling his fingers with the others’ once more. Phineas glanced around briefly before sitting back down and squeezing his hand, leaning over to kiss Phillip’s forehead gently. He pulled back, smiling, and moved back a piece of stray hair that stuck to his forehead, the sweat plastering it contrasting the chill he felt in his bones. Phillip was thankful for the warmth that his partner’s body beside him provided. He felt freezingly cold, yet the burns on his forehead and hiding invisibly on other hidden parts of his body showed the fire still burned with him, should still linger to provide its overwhelming heat. 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Barnum said after a moment. His thumb brushed over the back of Phillip’s hand in flawless reassurance. “It’s okay. I understand. I shouldn’t have pressured you.” He brought Phillip’s hand up to his cheek, leaning against it and exhaling in a deep sense of recollection. For a moment, he seemed far away. “I just don’t know what I would have done if.. If.. the fire, if-” Phin seemed panicked as he played with the possible outcomes, and Phillip was alarmed to see a bit of himself come out in Phineas. He forced himself to sit up with a pained hiss.

“But I’m here. I’m here, Phin. Look at me.” He raised the others’ chin to look him in the eye. Phineas, his shadow that had followed him around with those pained angel eyes- exposed them to Phillip as he looked truly vulnerable for perhaps the first time in a long while. Phillip caressed the cheek of his partner in comfort, wondering if Phineas felt the same shivers he felt in exposed moments like this. Phineas seemed content after a while, nodding, and held on tightly to his hand. 

“You’ll… you’ll stay here this time. You’ll let me protect you, let me show you?” Phineas seemed to be talking to himself more than Phillip, as if still unable to believe his closeted partner had finally become convinced. The two were polar opposites when it came to risk taking.

Phillip gave a drowsy half-smile. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”


End file.
